Lifestyles of the Cold and Frigid


This morning, I rolled over and did what I do every morning.  I checked my weather app to see how many limbs I was going to freeze off when I took the dogs out for their morning constitutional.  This is what I saw:

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I rolled over and stared at the ceiling.  One of the dogs whined.  “Cross your legs,” I growled.  My dogs do not cross their legs.  My dogs say “Screw you,” and pee on the floor so I figured I better get up.  A few yellow doggie ice cubes later, and I was back in the house sipping coffee on the couch, burrowed in my Star Trek fleece blanket and wishing I was back in bed.

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“It’s too cold to go anywhere.  I just want to go back to bed,” I whined via text to my friend and co-worker.

“Then go back to bed,” she responded.

“I can’t.  Dave already made the bed.”

“And…?”

“Well, I have to go to work, don’t I?”

No response.

“Look- even the cat is in silent protest with me.  He’s sitting on my clothes.  I can’t possibly go to work with a cat on my clothes.”

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Again, no response.

“I hate all my clothes anyway.  Winter is so frumpy.  I feel like a stuffed sausage.”

Continued silence.  Ah, my friend.  You know me so well.  I kept texting.

“I want to eat all the cookies and donuts in the land.”

“But noooooo!  We’re all trying to be healthy!  Blah, blah, blah.  I’ll just eat this celery stick instead.”

“This cold celery is giving me frostbite.  I’m slipping into torpor over here.  You don’t even care.”

“Yum, yum, yum. Celery is soooo good! I just LOVE it! *gag*”

“I’m dying.  Dying of starvation and frostbite and hypothermia but you can’t even text me back.”

“This celery needs something to spice it up.  Peanut butter?”

“Bacon.  Bacon is the key ingredient to celery.”

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“I tried to move the cat and he bit me.  Clearly another sign I must stay home from work.”

“Oh great.  I ate too much celery, and my pants are tight.  Thanks a lot, Obama!”

“Aaaaaand even though I wasn’t wearing this shirt when I ate the celery, I still managed to get bacon grease on it.  Or maybe it’s peanut butter…not sure…”

“False alarm!  It was toothpaste!”

“I hope you’re driving to work right now, and when you get there you see all these texts and feel really bad that you let me down and now I’m dead.”

“I really hate this outfit.  Did I mention stuffed sausage?”

“The cat keeps staring at me.  I know he’s judging me.”

“OMG.  I just poked my eye with the mascara wand.   BLOOD GUSHING EVERYWHERE!  I’m so not coming to work.”

At this point, I threw myself on the couch and shut my eyes.  I didn’t stab myself in the eye at all.  I don’t even wear mascara.  It makes my eyes water and I end up looking like Tammy Faye Baker.  My phone buzzed.  FINALLY.

“You don’t even wear mascara,” she said.

“Bitch.”  I responded.

“Loser.  So are you coming in to work or not?”

“Maybe.  Yeah.  I guess so.” I texted back.

“Bring me a donut.”

And that my friends, is how you survive winter in Wisconsin.  Kind, attentive, loving friends, willing to talk you off the ledge and listen to your troubles…and donuts.  Lots and lots of donuts.

Stay warm my friends!
Sue

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16 thoughts on “Lifestyles of the Cold and Frigid

  1. Helen C

    Sue, this is so funny… sadly, I know exactly what you meant. I do the same thing – checking my weather app, every morning. I am still waiting for a warmer day to go out taking some photos.
    Sue, I’ve invited you to participate 5 Days Black and White challenge (one has to post a B&W photo a day for 5 days and invite someone to participate every day). I don’t think that will bring any warmness to you, but it’s fun. 😉 If you can’t participate, it is quite all right, too. I hope you will… (I’ll send donuts..)

    Reply
  2. Suz

    so funny!!
    I don’t check the temp until I get back in from feeding the horses! Then I think it wasn’t that bad or I’m really tough- I survived!! Now time for donuts!!

    Reply
  3. Sue Slaght

    You are hilarious! Loved this not that I was laughing at you. I won’t tell you it was plus 10C today. The world is upside down. Oops I wasn’t going to tell you.

    Reply
  4. firstandfabulous

    Stay warm, funny lady. I’m lying in bed listening to the sound of rocks hitting the side of the house. (No. Not really rocks. It’s the banging of the heater that needs to be repaired, but it sounds like boulders hitting the side of the house.) Jeff’s away at work. My son is out bowling, and I’m fending off the subtle breezes that sift through my old house and giant bolders. But I DO FEEL FOR YOU. STAY WARM!

    Reply
    1. Sue Post author

      Many thanks, Gemma! I thought you were going to tell me the rocks were hail or something! Then I wouldn’t know if I should feel bad about the hail or jealous you lived somewhere warm enough to get a thunderstorm in February. Lol. Hope you get your furnace fixed soon!

      Reply

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